-All is not well in the state of dorset

Happy Christmas to you all.
Right now, Zac and his mum are barely speaking, apart from arguments. Mum is set in her ways and sees no need for negotiation over the current issues. Zac spends his time talking to me.
Will keep this post short, as I need to think about this.
First impressions are that mum feels insecure - losing control of her son to me - if only she would - might be better all round.
more laterz

Can't think of a suitable title

My camera isn't up to capturing these sort of images in poor lighting. This montage of Zac's first race meeting is an A1 poster for his room.

It's been an interesting week since I last posted. The previous weekend went well, despite withdrawing Zac from a race on Sunday. Driving home on Sat, he asked me why we always fight in the morning, but end the day on a high! Bit lost for the answer - maybe it's cos he stays up too late (Xbox?) and is tired, and I'm just becoming a grumpy old man.
Sunday I expected grief, thought he'd try to send me on a guilt trip about not racing. Instead he had a go at his mum about her smoking (she has actually cut down from about 100 a day to 70). Zac is genually concerned for her health, but also sees the cost, still over £120 a week. which he thinks could be channelled into his karting. Anyway, we ended up with a long conversation in the kitchen. He clearly felt his mum wasn't really supporting him with his karting, and wanted me to talk to her. He actually apologised for "putting it on me", but said there was nobody else he could talk to who would be able to do anything about it. More frighteningly, he also expressed his view that I was a better parent than his own mum.
On Monday, the Education Welfare Officer visited to discuss Zac's school attendance record, less than 50%. I wasn't there, but mum expressed the view she didn't care, and if taken to court wouldn't pay any fine. Really helpful! Apparently she also asked how things were with me. I wasn't present so don't know whether her tone implied anything, or whether Zac just over reacted, but told her "we're like peas in a pod", "nothing could seperate us", and "he's a second dad to me".
Tuesday was the reintegration meeting following his exclusion. This one fell to me, as all morning meetings do. Although we had no problems getting there on time, Zac's attitude was way off target. Having worked with kids in schools, I've probably attended more of these meetings than Zac has (or maybe not. lol). They usually last 10 min at the most. After 20 min, the deputy head teacher wasn't prepared to let Zac back into school, so time for me to intervene. All I said was "sullen is the word that comes to my mind". Obviously picking up that I wasn't happy with Zac's attitude she decided to catch up on some paperwork, and left the 2 of us together. A few harsh words! It worked, and he survived the rest of the week with no problems.
The highlight of the week was last Friday. Kart practice as usual, but no arguments / fights. At the end of the day, everything packed up, ready to leave. Zac walked over to me and said "good day, we've not had a fight" - gave me a hug "a manly hug". What surprised me was that he'd done that in the privacy of his own home before, this was so public, in the middle of the pit area.

Guess it's been a good week for me. Zac's put into words, or demonstrated ,how he feels about me, matching my feelings towards him.
So, Keliss, many thanks for your last comments, and long term support, it's much appreciated. Kudos? not sure about that. Responsibility? - not mine? - maybe it's something that I've accepted ( or Zac and I have?) - anyway, I'm happy with it right now.

Luv, Baz

Zac's First Race

Sorry, no pictures, cos the weather was shit.
The boy wonder did really well. As a novice, starting from the back of the grid he moved up 5 places in all three heats, to gain a start 10th on the grid in the final, achieving 9th position at the end. Pretty good for his first race, acknowledged by a trophy for the best junior novice on the day.
Sadly it all went downhill from there. He should have had second race today (sun) but because of school issues (he got excluded on thursday), I withdrew him from that race.

Zac races under the umbrella of a team who provide technical support, tho we are semi indepentent, but the team have been fully supportive of my decision, to the extent that he's been told if he carries on that way, they will drop him. He's aware that if we lose that tech support, i can't replace it (or maybe won't), and he'll lose everything.

His next race is in 2 weeks time, but subject to satisfactory school attendence and behaviour.
Am I really an ogre, or am I just taking a firm line about behaviour in his best interest? Comments please.

ARKS, but not Noah's

Laterz about ARKS.
Has been a strange week. Zac was in school on Monday, but was clearly upset when I picked him up at end of school. There's an issue about bullying that the school have not yet resolved.
Upshot was that his Mum kept him out of school on Tuesday and Wednesday, until she could speak to his head of year. This "decision" was made without any discussion with me - I was informed of it.
Head of Year phoned his mum on Wednesday. She promised he would be in school on Thursday.
So Thursday morning, I managed to prise the little shit out of bed, with much grumbling - "no point going in for a day, why can't I start fresh next Monday" (Friday's are a sporting day, agreed with the school, which is where ARKS comes in to the story.)
Getting no joy from me, he went to Mum with the same argument, only to be told "sort it out with Barry", and she promptly went back to sleep. Great, I'm thinking, make a decision on your own, and leave me to pick up the pieces.
So, I get 10 minutes of the same old record off Zac, simply stalling for time, coz he knows when it comes to school and Mum leaves it to me, he goes, might be late, but he goes.
So, eventually I just say "I'm not discussing it any more, it's not negotiable. Either go to school today, or you go in tomorrow and miss Karting. (clue? K from ARKS).
Predictably, he backed down, and just as predictably, spent 30 mins in the shower to make sure would be late foe school. Still, better late than not at all.
So, ARKS (association of racing kart schools). Zac has a racing Kart (pic of it on some earlier posts), and on Fridays he's allowed by the school to practice.
Last Saturday, he passed his ARKS test, so he's now licensed to race. First race this Sunday, Hopefully, I'll have time to get some pics and post them next week.
Karting is a motor racing sport, and isn't cheap. Since we started, 6 months ago, I guess I've "invested" about 15k in it. Last Saturday, the look on Zac's face, and the little swagger in his walk made it all worth while.

A Manly Hug

Finally got there. Yesterday (sunday), after a fairly heated difference about issues from the previous night, Zac apologised and gave me a hug (not something he usually does anyway). Much to my surprise, he actually asked me to give him a hug back! a "manly" hug, in his words.
He doesn't, and probably never will, know just how long I've waited for that moment.
Short post, gotta go and pick him up from his mates.
luv, baz

Thanks Kellis, and more background info?

I' m writing this as i think, so it may be disjointed.
Wrt bullying - Zac does appear to be more relaxed about it, now it's in the open. I suspect, tho' that I may have some work to do to get him in school tomorrow. At least he's spoken about it, so now he's got to give them a chance to do something about it - my view at least. He'll probably run with that, 'cos he knows that's what I expect.

But, there are more issues at home. His mother applies different rules to Zac than she expects about herself. Zac has just opened his own bank account, with a fixed amount of "pocket money" being paid in each month, so he can learn about budgeting. He's already asked for an advance on next months money, and been told "no" by his mum, 'cos he needs to budget. I agree in principle, but this comes from a woman who spends all her benefits on cigs, and can't budget for herself. In the last week, I've written off about £1000 of her debts, and still expects me to buy (some) of her cigs. I'm supposed to take a hard line with Zac - -frankly I find it hard to operate two sets of rules.

I have a feeling that in the next year or so, I will have had enough of it, and may well walk out. With that is a suspicion that Zac may well come with me. Would that be the right thing? I just don't know.

Things he's said to me, and what I've overheard - "I'll talk to Barry, at least he understands me".
I don't know the answer. Something in me says he would be better off living with me, he's fine with me, we talk, and listen to each other. Even when we don't agree, we don't fall out about it.
I think i posted earlier that may be hismother is the "nigger in the woodpile" - as time goes on, I'm starting to think it may be true.

Luv, Baz

Help / advice needed

"She was not, herself, hugely in favour of motherhood in general. Obviously it was necessary, but it wasn't exactly difficult. Even cats managed it. But women acted as if they'd been given a medal that entitled them to boss people around. It was as if, just because they'd got the label which said "mother", everyone else got a tiny part of the label that said "child"..."
(Terry Pratchett - Carpe Jugulum.)

I was going to write about this, which is still relevant. But there are now other issues.
Thanks kelliss for reminding me its been so long since I posted.

The Boy Wonder is being bullied at school, it's not physical, but more on the line of threats.
He actually talked about it a few days ago, but hasn't been in school since.
Today, we had a meeting at school, (mother decided to let me deal with it) where he did express the same views.
Tonight, tho', I tried to discuss bullying with him, I got the response that it was me and Mum who made him talk to school about it.
Whilst I've put no pressure on him, I do think it was the right thing to do.

Help & advice would be appreciated, please

Some thoughts on your comments

Rather than comment on your comments on previous posts, thought I'd write a longer post, maybe with some background about the Boy Wonder.
First, though, thank you all for your positive and helpful comments. They are a great help.
There has been progress over the last 6 months, but massive changes in the last week. He's adapted really well to not having Mum around to whinge to!
Micky, you commented about him being 15 and actually talks to me - blessed?, sometimes maybe cursed!, but at least he does talk. I doubt also that he will run out of reasons to keep in contact!

The first week has gone really well, far better than I expected. I'm wondering now whether (politically incorrect, but wtf) Mum is the nigger in the woodpile. Life with the Boy Wonder is so much more pleasant and amicable whilst she's not around. Is that such a terrible thought?

So, a bit of background - the three of us live in a 1 bedroomed bungalow, so we are very cramped - no one has their own space - except Mum, who occupies the bedroom - she has some level of physical disability, and tends to stay in bed much of the time. So that's us now.

The Boy Wonder was adopted (legally) by his Nan and step dad when he was about 4. They are loaded with money, and my impression is that they threw money at him, bought what he wanted, when he wanted it, to get him out of their hair. In short, he became a spoilt brat.
Don't get me wrong, I've been able to "throw" money at him, but the difference is I've paid for him to do activities, but I've spent time doing those activities with him, not just dropping him off, and then picking him up.

Last Christmas, he voted with his feet and came to live with his Mum ( and me). It's not been easy. He does have an anger management problem, which is why he's got a referral for mental health issues. At least he recognises the problem. And at least he does talk to me!
If I had a pound for ever time he's had a row with his Mum,, and asked me to "broker a peace deal", I'd be rich.

Other issues, you've commented on - hugs & cuddles. Just, you are so right, we all NEED them, and yes I have read your posts on this topic. It will take time with Wonder Boy - there is some evidence of violence from his step dad. For me to hug him is difficult - he needs to be in control. Don't get me wrong, he will happily throw his arms around me (but he's in control at that point), but the other way round - well, maybe that will come.

That's about it, thanks again for all your support,
Luv 2 all
Baz

PS. Just re-read a comment. Maybe it is a holiday for him. Micky. Certainly a different experience!

Who's on holiday?

So far so good. Mum's been in Tenerife since Tuesday, and so far, no issues.
The Boy Wonder has been very pleasant, and actually asks me if it's OK to do things!
He's had a couple of mates stay over for two nights this week, (by arrangement / discussion, as opposed to telling me they were staying), what a difference!
Right now, he's stopping with one of his mates - Oh heavenly bliss! - but keeps phoning for things - more clothes etc. and today ffs, could I take the TV over!
Still, tonight I rang him to find out when he's coming back home, and he actually seemed concerned that I was OK on my own. How little do children know! lol. Loving it!

Luv 2 all,
Baz

PS Not commented on all you comments on previous posts, but they are appreciated.
&Just - re your question - somewhere between - I'm a beautiful beast!

The Beauty and the Beast (and me as well)

'tis early Monday morning - not long to go. The Boy Wonder's Mum is being despatched to Tenerife tomorrow for a two week break.

I'm left here looking after Zac, (the Boy Wonder), and Reeko (the beast).

wonderin how the the next 2 weeks are going to pan out. I'll get on better with the beast probably. Wish me luck, 'tho I'm sure Zac and I will cope - haha.

Luv 2 all, Baz

A child with a fear of death

An unusual title, but true.
For those who haven't read my previous post please scroll down, can't be bothered putting a link.
Zac is my "inherited" son, who at the moment is going through a period of insecurity about his own life.
He has a belief that he is going to die at an early age, and has other issues. Through his doctor he has got a referral to CAMHS (children and adolescent mental health services).
I'm doing whatever I can to support him, and would like to thank / ackowledge the support I've had from specifically Keliss, Torchy!, and Ty for the IM's i've had with them in the last couple of days. It really is appreciated, guys - many thanks.
More updates to be posted shortly.
Luv to you all,
Baz
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I'm Back, Sorted & Happy

After a long period of absence, I'm now blogging again.
No, it's not me in the kart - the little shit won't let me get my bum in the seat - it's my surrogate /acquired "son".
He's spent 12 of his 15 years in care, but is now back with his birth mother and me (for the past 6 months).
Will be posting regularly from now on.

Been Busy in the Real World

First, apologies for not posting for over two months, and also not reading blogs and commenting.

The following piece by Angela Cooke has great significance for me, and may offer some insight regarding my absence from blogging.




Care Order

The boy taken into care does not know he must keep himself to himself.
He crashes into other people's walls. He spills into roads.
Crude, primordial sounds flow from his mouth.
His voice breaks through double glazing.

He soon knew his coming was not joyful.
His kind drown in stagnant pools - burn to death in derelict barns.
Because he is not lovely, he learnt early that he who needs most love receives the least.

He scratches round for love.
He clings to strangers - hangs on their arm.
He whines for love.

But he will learn to live on the meagre amount doled out -
to keep his body in its own small space.
He will learn to be confined to his allotted territory.

Food for thought, perhaps?

Bye for now, Baz